A tribute to Edward Hopkinson can now be found on the Valete page within the History section of the website.

SUPREMO WANTS YOUR BRASS
March 30, 2009      The time has come for Goldthorpe Salver members to dip into their pockets and part with some of their hard earned cash, according to Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson.
Mark has finally managed to contact staff at the Golf Hotel, which has been undergoing extensive renovations, and in a departure from tradition, they are asking for a deposit.
"As this is beyond the means of an impoverished banker (or should that be civil servant?)," says Nicholson, "I should be grateful if you could confirm your attendance by sending a cheque for £25, made payable to me." Remittances should be sent to his home address in Shat (ie: 8A Huddersfield Road, Skelmanthorpe, Huddersfield, HD8 9AE.)
Members might be surprised to learn that Charlie Kaye is the first man to send his money. "As we all know, this by no means guarantees his attendance, " said Nicholson. "I have been doing this job long enough to take it simply as a preliminary expression of intent."
However one regular has already ruled himself out of of this year's event. Peter Butler (seen in a rather unfortunate pose, right) has been invited to TWO weddings on Friday, September 11. "To paraphrase Wilde," said Nicholson, " to be invited to one wedding might be seen as unfortunate; to be invited to two smacks of carelessness."

ANDREW SUGDEN TO SUE HIMSELF
February 6, 2009       Top solicitor Andrew Sugden is to sue himself after a fall at work. Sugden WA tripped over his feet while ascending the stairs at Eaton Smith's offices in Huddersfield. "Because of the inclement weather, I was wearing large boots which slipped on the steps," he explained.
Sugden suffered a large gash to his head, and worried staff called an ambulance. "When I arrived on the scene," said fellow Eaton Smith partner Michael Webb, "Andrew was lying on the stairs, surrounded by staff, being tended to by paramedics, with a mobile phone clamped to his ear, talking to a client. In these troubled financial times, that's dedication.
"The paramedics wanted to cart him off to hospital, but after performing cognitive tests, they allowed him to stay at his office.
"Quite frankly," added Webb, "I was surprised, since under normal circumstances the tests were the sort Andrew could easily have failed.  You know - who are you? What's your job? etc."
As he recovered from his ordeal, Sugden revealed that he is to take the unusual step of suing himself. "I am an accomplished personal injury lawyer," he said, "and I am willing to represent myself against myself on a 'no win no fee' basis. Never mind 'no win no fee', this is a no brainer. I can't lose. In fact I might sue my boots as well.""The silly bugger can do what he likes," said Webb.

A lawyer writes: I am all in favour of legal action, since it makes me a lot of money. However the concept of suing oneself - though interesting from a legal viewpoint - is flawed. If one represents oneself against oneself, one is clearly not utilising the services of someone like me, thereby denying me the chance of trousering large wads of readies.

NEW DATE FOR BUNTY'S CAPTAIN'S DAY
December 29, 2008    Chris Broadbent has confirmed a new date for his Vagrants Golf Society Captain's Day in Portugal, and he's inviting Goldthorpe Salver regulars to join him for the festivities.
The event will now be played on the new Oceanico Faldo course - reckoned to be one of the best now on the Algarve - on Saturday, July 4, 2009.
Said Bunty: "The preference is a team of 4 but any individuals can enter and I will make these up into fourballs. There is a booking form on the website - www.vagrantsgolf.net - or alternatively anyone interested can email me.
"Total costs haven't been fully quoted as yet, but to give you an idea - last year was 150 Euros for the golf and dinner for non-members. The price will also include buggies on the Faldo, which is a buggy only course.
"Also for guests attending this world ranking event, some tee times are also booked for Friday 3rd July at 14.00 at Pinhal, and on the Sunday morning on the Millennium course at 08.02 (both these courses are near Vilamoura). Green fees will be an additional 55 Euros for each of these two courses."
Last year a team of four - Wilcox, Webb M, Shires J and Martin Roberts - took advantage of Bunty's splendid hospitality to compete in the event, flying on Easyjet from Liverpool on the Friday morning and returning to Leeds Bradford via Jet 2 on the Sunday evening. A quick check reveals that similar flights are still available and would cost around £175 per head (including golf bags).

MESSAGE FROM THE GULF 
December 16, 2008   Mike Dyson has sent the following missive to the Forum page of the website, and - although R.Shires might not agree - your editor believes it would be a pity to leave it languishing there where it might be missed. Incidentally, the picture above shows what the 5th fairway at Silloth will be like in 25 years time because of global warming.

"Hello all, just thought I'd report in from the Middle East where I have today been watching the Dubai Ladies Masters. Copies of The Beast's DVDs 'How to hit it like a lass' and 'How to be a big nobber' were selling briskly. However The Beast's latest DVD 'Nobbers & Knockers I have played a round with' was flying off the shelves faster than a Topflite lake ball flies off the face of his Hippo driver. Unfortunately the DVD title got mistranslated as 'Knobs & Knockers I have played around with' which I understand has quite a different subject matter and not one that The Beast is associated with. Not at all. Not in any way. Obviously.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all, Mike"

NICHOLSON'S SPORTS PSYCHOLOGIST QUITS
September 15      The top sports shrink who's been advising Mark Nicholson has walked away from the job after the Silloth Supremo's dismal showing in this year's Goldthorpe Salver. Nicholson finished a miserable last to take the Goat Prize, prompting sports psychologist Bob Rotella - the man behind Padraig Harrington's rise to glory - to pack his bags after less than 12 months working with Team Nicholson. "What's the f***ing point?" he was overheard saying.
During the course of this year's Salver meeting, there was plenty of evidence that Nicholson, seen here topping his drive on the 1^st, simply wasn't heeding Rotella's advice to think positively.

• The prospect of a short pitch and run at Keswick prompted the comment: "Not my favourite shot, this." He was right. He scuffed it a couple of yards.
• Facing a 9 inch putt on the 10^th at Silloth, he correctly forecast: "I can miss from here."
• Repeatedly muttering "This isn't my distance," whenever faced with a shot over 75 yards.
• 50 yards from the hill short of the 7^th with the group in front still on the green…"I'll go first. There's no way I'm going to reach from here."

Said Rotella: "I thought my biggest challenge would be to persuade him to use a metal wood off the tee, but I now realise that was the least of my problems. The reality is that's he's utterly useless."

DRUGS TEST DEMAND AFTER LONGEST DRIVE SHOCK
September 15     The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) has been urged to investigate after Rupert Shires won a longest drive competition at Silloth on Solway Golf Club.
Shires - the man behind the best-selling DVD 'How To Hit Like A Lass' - took the award at the 18^th hole during the second round of this year's Goldthorpe Salver.
"It's a joke. There has to be an explanation, and drugs is the only logical answer," fumed Mike Webb, who'd been highly fancied to grab the prize until he was out-muscled by Shires - now re-christened 'The Beast'.
A delighted Shires - who also won the Tim Sugden Trophy - rubbished suggestions that the reason he won was because he was the only competitor to find the fairway. "I won it fair and square," he said. "I now intend to publish a new DVD entitled 'How To Be A Big Nobber'."
Meanwhile firemen have been called in to rescue Charles Webb - a former multiple winner of the longest drive at Silloth - from the foot of his stairs.
Webb C was absent from this year's event, but when his brother Mike sent him a text informing him of Shires' unlikely triumph, he replied "I'll go to the foot of my stairs," and he's been trapped there ever since.
Police are also investigating the mystery appearance of several bare arses in shop windows around West Yorkshire.

DRAKE IS NEW CHAMPION !

September 13, 2008     John Drake has won the Goldthorpe Salver for a record sixth time - and as you can see from the photograph, he's very happy about it. Full details will appear on the website soon. Meanwhile news items from earlier this year have been moved to the News Archive page.

SILLOTH GOLFERS CRAP AT CRICKET
















September 10, 2008   A handful of Goldthorpe Salver competitors took part in a six a side cricket tournament played at Armitage Bridge at the weekend in memory of Tim Sugden. Peter Butler donned whites for the first time in around two decades; Silloth newcomer Roger Thomas also made a comeback (though he appeared to have lost his long trousers); Mark Wilcox wore a silly hat and did daft things when photographs were taken; and Mike Webb tried to look cool.
As for the cricket, Webb wasn't as good as he thinks he is ( in fact he was quite a lot worse); Thomas bailed out early because he said his knees were cold; Butler appeared to have forgotten the basic rudiments of the game he once bestrode like a Colussus, and kept falling over; and Wilcox hit a six and also took two wickets in one over (though one of his victims was only nine years old).
The Silloth team - made up by Peter's son Kurt, Denton Guest, and a bloke in fawn trousers - didn't win, but the tournament was a huge success (despite the weather) and plans are already afoot to make it an annual event.

BUNTY TO HIRE FEMALE CADDY?
September 9, 2008     In a new twist to the row over female interference with the Goldthorpe Trophy, Chris Broadbent is said to have hired a female caddy for this year's tournament. Speaking from his luxury villa in Portugal, Bunty said: "If that idiot Wilcox can't provide a battery that will propel my trolley round 36 holes, I shall have to make alternative arrangements."
He has apparently lined up the services of his sister-in-law, Kerry (seen relaxing, left), who put in a brief appearance at the 2006 event (see 2006 photographs).
"This is despicable and not within the spirit of the competition," said Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson. "We all remember the mayhem that ensued after she turned up at lunchtime two years ago. It certainly put me off my stroke."
A further row has erupted over Bunty's alleged handicap. "His Buntyship claims to be playing off eight," spluttered Nicholson. "How can this be, when he spends all his time on the golf course?" 

WOMEN FOIL WINDERMERE WARM-UP
September 5, 2008    Mark Nicholson is refusing to take responsibility for the confusion surrounding the traditional pre-Silloth warm-up at Windermere Golf Club next Wednesday.
"It's women who are to blame," said the supremo. "Our visit clashes with a Ladies Open competition, and we would be unable to get a tee time before 4.30 pm. We're just going to have to look elsewhere."
Alternative suggestions include Kendal and Keswick - with the latter favoured by at least one of the participants as it offers the same scenic views as Windermere. However the situation hasn't pleased other Goldthorpe Salver regulars. "What's the world coming to when a venerable institution like this is mucked about by a bunch of tarts," said Chris Durrans, the mysoginistic head of the Durrans blacking empire.

Editor's note: We would like to point out that Mr Durrans does not actually play in the pre-Silloth warm-up, and would also like to disassociate ourselves from his disgraceful remarks. We are of course an equal opportunities society, and would welcome lady members - provided they pass our stringent membership qualifications. ie: being willing to share a bedroom with Andrew Sugden.   

WEBB'S WEDDING TURMOIL
August 28, 2008    Mike Webb is desperate to find out the dates of NEXT year's Goldthorpe Salver - so he can attend his own daughter's wedding! Sarah has recently become engaged to her long term boyfriend, Nick, and she's expressed an interest in getting hitched some time in mid-September 2009. "I've got a problem if it clashes with Silloth," said the selfish solicitor. "She might be the fruit of my loins, but if it comes to a choice between sinking a 20 foot putt on the 18th on the banks of the Solway to win the Salver, and chomping on wedding cake while drinking overpriced champagne at Fixby..... well, there's only one answer."
His no-nonsense attitude has met with a mixed reaction from his fellow Goldthorpe competitors.
"What a nasty man," said nice Peter Butler, while Mark Wilcox - interrupted as he was about to book his latest golf trip to Iceland - suggested that the happy couple should get married in Silloth instead.