NEWS ARCHIVE

SILLOTH FORM GUIDE
August 18, 2008    Mike Webb and John Shires have thrown down a marker ahead of this year's Goldthorpe Salver by finishing third in the Huddersfield GC Invitation Day at Fixby. Big Mick and Shires came in with 42 points - four more than their playing partners, reigning Silloth Champion Charles Webb and his guest, Chris Durrans. As regular visitors to the website will know, Little Charlsie will not be defending his title this year because he's "working" at the 'Proms in the Park' concert in Hyde Park (see below).
"It's probably for the best," said his elder brother, forgetting that he'd finished third not first. "I am so good at this game that no one else need bother turning up."
Shires was - surprisingly - rather more modest. "All things considered, it wasn't a bad performance," he said. "But after all, it was only at Fixby."
All were agreed, however, that Durrans will have to raise his game considerably to have any chance of returning from Silloth wearing the famous Check Jacket. "If Durrans wins, I'll eat my trousers," said Webb C.

KAYE'S CLUBS STILL UNDER WRAPS
August 8, 2008   
Goldthorpe Salver competitors may be denied the opportunity to inspect Charlie Kaye's new clubs at this year's event. The retired industrialist is not as retired as he thought, and is likely to be in China that week working as a consultant.
It's a disappointing turn of events for Kaye. Not only is his game likely to have been revolutionised by his new Callaway equipment, but he's also the only Salver regular to have had an outing at Silloth this year, having successfully represented the Hockey Club there in May.
However Kaye's probable absence is offset by the likely re-appearance of Steve Sutcliffe (pictured left)  - providing he can obtain transport to and from the Cumbrian coast. Locals who augment their meagre wages by searching for lost balls on the Silloth links and selling them back to golfers are said to be delighted by the news; however the town's womenfolk have been put on red alert.

 

WEBB QUITS TO HOBNOB IN HYDE PARK 

August 4, 2008    Charles Webb has revealed that the reason he won't be defending his Goldthorpe Salver title this year is because he's hobnobbing with toffs at a posh 'do' in Hyde Park.
Upset by suggestions that he's lost his bottle and wants to preserve his position at the top of the Order of Merit, Webb has written to the goldthorpesalver.com website to explain his absence (see below). Rather than bestriding the fairways of Silloth like a Colussus, partaking of the delicious gourmet fare offered by top chef Fausto Privatali, and enjoying hours of banter with friends in the convivial atmosphere of the Golf Hotel, Webb has decided to attend the BBC Proms in the Park in central London instead.
The event - hosted by Sir Terry Wogan - features tenor Jose Carreras and soprano Lesley Garrett, as well as Aled Jones, Abba tribute band Bjorn Again, and all-male vocal group Teatro.
"Fair enough," said Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson. "If he wants to spend his time listening to some slim-hipped dago and a fat bint screaming their heads off along with 50,000 other ponces, that's up to him. But it's sad to see a once proud competitor give up his crown for the promise of a handshake with a has-been Irish disc jockey." 

Webb's letter in full: "I was very upset by the comments made recently which appeared on the website suggesting I would be missing from this year's Salver 'for no apparent reason'. The suggestion that I haven't any bottle and am likely to do an 'Ian Baker-Finch' are ridiculous as I was expecting to defend my Championsy with much ease. This weblink gives evidence of my unavailability as I am at the BBC Proms in the Park. An attached picture shows me with one of the stars likely to attend this glittering event - the lovely, surgically enhanced Claire Sweeney and her not so lovely mother. I would reiterate that I am not purposefully keeping my 'order of merit' position secure and have nothing to fear by the assembled field even with the new addition of the judge!"

DYSON MISSES OUT AGAIN 

July 28, 2008    Mike Dyson will miss Silloth again this year to concentrate on his quest to overtake Bunty and Wilcox in the Sunday Times Rich List.
After 29 years Mike has recently left Barclays Bank, and has just embarked on a new career with a start-up finance company in the UAE. In an e-mail to Mark Nick he says he'll be joined by the family at the end of August, and with Ben starting university in the UK in October, there's too much going on for him to be able to get away in September. Despite his no-show, he's agreed to put some of his new-found wealth to good use, by contributing to the new Tim Sugden Trophy.
And on the subject of money, Mark is now requesting a cheque for £130 to cover green fees, prizes and the tankard for the Tim Sugden Trophy. Cheques should be sent to his home address at 8A Huddersfield Road, Skelmanthorpe, Huddersfield, HD8 9AE.
 

Exclusive!
In a late bid to gain automatic qualification for Nick Faldo's European Ryder Cup team in September, Colin Montgomerie has enlisted the help of golf coaching guru Andrew Sugden, who has kindly allowed us to reproduce his tuition manual here on the goldthorpesalver.com website. Follow this link for Andrew's Top Golf Tips

 

 

JUDGE JOINS SILLOTH ELITE

July 24, 2008    The Goldthorpe Salver will welcome a new competitor this year. His Honour Judge Roger Thomas QC will fill in the place created by the as yet unexplained absence of 2007 champion Charles Webb.
Thomas - who knew Phil in the 1970s - is a one-time member of Woodsome, whose main claim to golfing fame is being a witness to John Shires' hole-in-one at Warkworth Golf Club in Northumberland more than a decade ago.
Rumours that the 53 year old North West Circuit Judge, who lives in Almondbury, is to convene a special court sitting at the Golf Hotel to deal with misdemeanours committed by fellow competitors, are so far unconfirmed.
 

WEBB WON'T DEFEND TITLE 

July 22, 2008    2007 Goldthorpe Salver champion Charles "Tiger" Webb isn't defending his title later this year.
The news has clearly angered tournament organisers, who are trying to contact him to find out exactly why he's pulled out.
"Has he lost his bottle? Is he doing an Ian Baker-Finch? We demand answers," raged Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson.
There's also speculation that, despite overcoming high winds and driving rain at Silloth last September, Webb might be following the example of several leading Americans who chose not to compete in this year's Open at Royal Birkdale because they didn't fancy the conditions.
"I know he was upset last year because the weather meant he had to wear waterproofs instead of his favourite Rupert Bear plus fours, and that could well have had a bearing on his decision," said his fashion advisor Andrew Sugden.
Nicholson rejected suggestions that the absence of the three-time Silloth winner and current leader of the Order of Merit might devalue this year's event.
"The Goldthorpe Salver is bigger than any single competitor," he said.
Nevertheless it throws the competition wide open, with Webb's elder brother Mike and John Drake - another low-handicapper - amongst those fancied to do well, along with Chris Sampson, who appears to be running into the sort of form that landed him the Salver in 2005.

SUPREMO IN STREAM DRAMA

June 1, 2008     Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson has suffered a double blow to his dignity
Soon after it was revealed that he's taken to wearing a corset - allegedly for medical reasons - Nicholson fell into the stream crossing the 8th fairway at Woodsome Hall, while attempting a tricky shot to the green.
The 22 handicapper had misjudged his lay-up short of the water on the long par 4, and his ball had stopped on the downslope within 15 inches of the stream. After several attempts to gain a favourable stance, he achieved what he believed was an adequate footing, and began his pre-shot preparation - only to topple slowly, but inexorably, into the water.
His playing companions - Shires and Sampson - were unable to help him clamber out because they were incapacitated by laughter.
Earlier it had been revealed that Nicholson has been wearing a corset - supposedly on the advice of osteopath Mark Wilcox - after cracking a rib in a bathroom accident.
However recently obtained photographs of the garment in question (see photographs, above) has raised doubts about the veracity of this excuse.

IT'S OFFICIAL......KAYE HAS NEW CLUBS
May 14, 2008   Yet another great British institution has finally fallen victim to the remorseless march of time. Charlie Kaye has abandoned his ancient and venerable golf clubs for a new set of Callaways.
The bombshell was broken last month by Kaye himself on the rarely viewed Forum page of the Goldthorpe Salver website, which explains why it escaped public attention for so long. But now that the news is out, it's provoked astonishment and outrage.
"I am appalled," said Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson. "This is dreadful news on a par with decimalisation and the axeing of Mrs Dale's Diary. What's more, in view of the fact that this could give Kaye an unfair advantage when competing in this year's Salver, we shall have to make sure that it's not against the spirit of the game, as defined by Section 1 of the R&A's Rules of Golf. He's been a no-hoper for years, and to be frank, if these new clubs give him a competitive edge, it's simply not on.
"At the very least, a review of his handicap is warranted," he added.
It's also likely that the authorities will want to investigate the method by which the high specification clubs arrived in the UK. Kaye himself has admitted that the Callaways were purchased in the USA, and then transported direct to China, where they were given to him as a present following his recent retirement from Holset Engineering.
According to leading Huddersfield solicitor Michael Webb, there could be serious ramifications. "It looks like an open and shut case to me," he said. "There appears to be prima facie evidence of the extraordinary lengths to which Mr Kaye has gone to avoid paying the relevant tax on these items. He's banged to rights; res ipsa loquitur," he added pretentiously, without knowing what it means.
There's been further disquiet at Kaye's revelation that he's now considering engaging a golf coach to show him how to use his new weapons. "I don't mind someone getting new equipment - after all I recently purchased a set of Honma Twin Marks MG-R18 5-Star Amazing Spec irons made from 24-carat gold with platinum detailing, costing more than £20,000," said billionaire osteopath Mark Wilcox. "But they don't make much difference if - like me - you don't know how to use them. However if he's getting a coach, there's absolutely no chance of me avoiding the Goat Prize at Silloth ever again."


WOODSOME DUO'S SILLOTH TRIP IN DOUBT
April 17, 2008    Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson and former champion Chris Sampson are both injury doubts for this year's Goldthorpe Salver.
Nicholson has suffered a broken rib after allegedly falling out of his bath, while Sampson's problem is self-inflicted - he foolishly sought a consultation with Kirkheaton osteopath Mark "The Nobbler" Wilcox. So far Sambo has reported no ill-effects, but historical precedent suggests that he may yet suffer a delayed reaction to his treatment.
"I have only myself to blame; I don't know what I was thinking about," said Sampson, clearly embarrassed by his lapse of judgement. "There was absolutely nothing the matter with me, but after four and a half pints of Timothy Taylor's Golden Best in the bar at Woodsome, I found myself coming irresistibly under Wilcox's evil spell. The next thing I know, I'm strapped to Dr Death's operating table having my joints manically manipulated. At the moment I seem to be OK, but it's like living under a death sentence - there's simply no way of knowing when the effects might kick in."
Meanwhile Nicholson has remained tight-lipped about the circumstances of his fall, though there have been cruel suggestions that the taking of drink was involved.


DUCK SLAYING IS HIGHLIGHT OF PORTUGUESE WEEKEND

February 2008     Goldthorpe Salver stalwarts Mike Webb, Mark Wilcox and John Shires have returned empty-handed from a weekend of top competitive golf (!) on the Algarve. The trio - along with Fixby member and fellow St Davidian Martin Roberts - were invited to participate in the Vagrants Golf Society Captain's Day at Quinta do Lago, by captain-elect and former Goldthorpe Salver Champion Chris Broadbent.
After nearly missing the early morning EasyJet flight to Faro from Liverpool's John Lennon International Airport, thanks to Wilcox's incompetent female taxi driver, the quartet had to endure the noisiest flight in the history of aviation, courtesy of members of the Shaven Headed and Heavily Tattooed Nightclub Doormen's Golf Society (Manchester Branch).
Unfortunately a deep depression had descended on the Algarve - more on Wilcox's golf later - but within 90 minutes of landing the intrepid Yorkshiremen stunned locals by braving consistent rain to embark on an exploratory round at Pinheiros Altos.
With quality golf in short supply, the undoubted highlight of the round was the sad demise of a duck on the par 3 14th , where Roberts' thinned tee shot bounced across the lake in front of the green and scored a direct hit on the unfortunate bird as it was minding its own business on the far bank. Using his rudimentary medical training, Wilcox confidently declared life extinct, and with every intention of eating it later, he unceremoniously dumped the poor creature in the back of a buggy.
Much to the horror of Bunty's wife Amanda, the bird was hung outside their luxury villa for the rest of the weekend, though thankfully Wilcox and Roberts never got round to fulfilling their threat to pluck, draw and cook it.

Mercifully the drizzle held off for much of the Vagrants Captains Day round at Quinta, but none of the Yorkshire visitors came to terms with a brisk wind and a tricky course that was playing longer than normal because of the recent rain. Wilcox in particular struggled, especially off the tee; having sliced his drive into someone's garden on the right, he regularly hooked his next effort into another garden on the left. On several occasions the distance between his two tee shots was almost greater than the length of the entire hole. Having said that, Shires was scarcely any better, while Roberts and Webb had little to be proud of either, and a wager with the only other group of guests - led by Woodsome member John Campbell - was comfortably lost.
The next morning - following the Presentation Dinner, at which Bunty officially took over the Captaincy of the Vagrants - Shires, Roberts and Webb were relieved when Wilcox elected to play in Campbell's fourball on Vale do Lobo's impressive Royal Course. Roberts played a majestic round, scoring well in excess of 40 stableford points, to lead the team to a handsome revenge victory that enabled them to recoup their losses of the previous day (apart from Wilcox, who lost twice.)
After another entertaining meal, the quartet returned to Blighty on a Jet2 flight to Leeds Bradford - thankful that the Manchester Bouncers hadn't chosen the same route.

Many thanks to the Vagrants - a motley collection of British ex-pats - and of course, to Chris and Amanda, whose hospitality was boundless.

SHARIA LAW - SUPREMO SPEAKS OUT
February 9, 2008    The leader of an obscure religious order has criticised the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Mark Rowan Wilcox, for suggesting that Sharia Law may have a part to play in the British legal system.
If the Archbishop's ideas are taken up, there are fears that gambling and alcohol would be banned, with transgressors being harshly treated by the Sharia courts.
"I find it incomprehensible that this mad cleric should involve himself in an issue which strikes at the very heart of our culture and tradition," said Rev Mark Nicholson, the spiritual leader of the Goldthorpe Salver Brethren, a bizarre sect which worships once a year at Silloth-on-Solway - a wild outpost on the remote Cumbrian coast.
"The partaking of soothing quantities of alcohol and the laying of modest wagers on the outcome of our annual pilgrimage are central to our philosophy," he said.
Rev Nicholson fears that Sharia courts could order the amputation of limbs of any sect member caught breaking the strict tenets of Sharia Law.
"It's clear to me that this is simply another example of Rowan Wilcox trying to whittle away at our numbers, thereby giving him more chance of becoming the Supreme Being - or Champeen, as we have come to describe Him."
Archbishop Rowan Wilcox, who once tried to exile the Goldthorpe Brethren to Iceland, has rejected Rev Nicholson's accusations. "Yet again I have been cruelly misrepresented. It was just another example of me saying the first thing that came into my head without really thinking about it," he said.


NHS DENTISTRY: CRISIS DEEPENS

February 8, 2008    Further evidence has emerged of the depth of the NHS dentistry crisis.
A photograph, taken at the Goldthorpe Salver at Silloth, indicates that some patients - unable to find an NHS dentist - have become so desperate that they have resorted to pulling out their own teeth.
According to dental expert John Drake - son of the legendary Huddersfield dental practitioner Neville "Driller" Drake - it's an illustration of the problems confronting dentistry in 21st century Britain.
"What's even worse," he said ,"is that the pain is obviously so excruciating that the poor sufferer has had no choice but to perform the self-extraction at the dinner table. Look at his face - agony is etched all over it!"
The photo will put further pressure on a Labour Government already reeling because of a rise in hospital contracted infections like MRSA and C-Difficile, not to mention Iraq, Afghanistan, falling share prices and imminent recession.
"What has Brown's Britain come to," said hardline opposition spokesman Frank Whiteley, "when hardworking folk - denied their inalienable right to an NHS dentist - are forced to pull out their own molars."
 

LAST RESORT FOR WILCOX?

January 23, 2008      From our Kolkata Correspondent.   We have has just received this photograph of Mark Wilcox, who is desperately trying to find a loop-hole to avoid the smoking ban in his hotel bedroom. He may have become a Muslim. (Picture courtesy of Andrew Wormald)

IS YOUR DRIVER LEGAL?
January 10, 2008     Competitors in the Goldthorpe Salver have been advised to make sure that their drivers conform to the new regulations that came into force on January the 1st this year.
Drivers with a spring-like face which helps to catapult the ball off the club head - the so-called "trampoline effect" - are now outlawed by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club, the body that oversees golf's rules, and golfers won't be allowed to use them in any form of competition.
"As one of the country's premier events, we have a responsibility to uphold the rules," said Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson. "All competitors have a duty to make sure that their equipment conforms to the new regulations."
Amongst those affected is five time Salver winner John Shires, who has discovered his TaylorMade R540 XD falls foul of the new rule. "I suppose I should have realised there was something dodgy about it when I picked it up for £9.99 in the Direct Golf sale last year," he said. "Having said that, I can't see what difference it makes. OK, so it might go a little further, but in my case that just means it goes further into the rough on the left. However I now look forward to purchasing a patented Rupert Shires Ladies' Special, which will ensure I just knob it 120 yards down the middle of the fairway," he added. Those unaffected by the rule change include Nicholson himself, Charlie Kaye, and the Sugden brothers.
The equipment used by Kaye and the Sugdens is so old that, according to the R&A, it's exempt, while Nicholson doesn't even possess a driver. "I've never had the bottle to stand on the tee and reach for the big furniture," he said smugly.  

 
Andrew Sugden's woods


 

Further information on the new regulations, and a list of non-conforming drivers can be found at

The R&A Rules

SUGDEN WA ARRESTED FOR VAGRANCY

January 3, 2008      Silloth stalwart Andrew Sugden has been arrested on a charge of vagrancy in a Manchester department store.
Sugden was discovered by store staff sleeping on a sofa in the furnishing department at House of Fraser on Deansgate on Boxing Day.
"As you can see by pictures taken by our security staff, it was an extraordinary sight," said store manager Albert Arkwright. "There he was, an old tramp dressed in ill fitting and tatty clothes, stinking of alcohol, and clutching a box of Christmas decorations that he'd clearly shoplifted in the hope of exchanging for a bottle or two of cheap cider. We had little option but to call for the police."
Sugden was awoken, arrested, and taken to nearby Bootle Street police station where he was questioned for several hours before being released.
"It appears that it was an unfortunate misunderstanding," said Inspector Gene Hunt of Greater Manchester Police. "After lengthy investigations we established that Mr Sugden had been hauled against his will from his bed by his wife early on Boxing Day morning and ordered to accompany her to the sales. While she roamed the House of Fraser store in
search of bargains, Mr Sugden took the opportunity afforded by a large leather corner sofa in the furnishing department (price £899, reduced from £1,095) to snatch forty winks."
"Let this be a lesson to all wives," he added. "A man's place on Boxing Day is on the golf course, not in a department store."
 

 


NICHOLSON AN EARLY INJURY DOUBT
November 7, 2007    Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson is an early injury doubt for the 2008 Goldthorpe Salver. In a message to the website's FORUM page he says he's suffering from tennis elbow.

"Can I be the first to declare my probable unavailability, due to injury, for next year's competition," he writes.  "Following an injury sustained at a golf day recently in the company of Mark Wilcox, I am now subject to his ministrations for what he terms 'tennis elbow' (although how this can be as I haven't played tennis for 15 years - some would say at all - remains a mystery to me).
"Given Wilcox's tendency to nobble the opposition, things aren't looking good, although I do think that he should try to crock someone higher up the Order of Merit. Is anyone else being targetted? ," he asks.
 
An Osteopath writes: Tennis Elbow - or Lateral Epicondylitis, as we osteopaths prefer to call it when we're trying to be clever - is a condition of the elbow for which the usual treatment is the purchase from me of various expensive devices designed to support and compress the affected area. It is not necessarily the result of playing too much tennis; other regular and strenuous exercise involving the forearm, wrist and hand can also be responsible. Amputation is a last resort, but is not to be advised since the patient would no longer need to visit my consulting rooms on a regular basis, thus denying me a lucrative source of income.

CHRISTMAS STOCKING FILLER IN THE SHOPS

 

Rupert Shires has produced a tuition DVD which reveals the secret of his short hitting.
"How To Hit Like a Lass" is a must for those tired of booming the ball 270 yards off the tee. "What's the point of belting it miles and miles into heather and gorse when with a few tips from me, you can take the same swing but only knob it 90 yards straight down the middle every time," he asked at the plush launch for the venture in the ladies locker room at Fixby.
The new DVD - produced in association with Andrew Wormald, of Worm Productions Ltd, and shamelessly aimed at the Christmas market - hasn't met with universal acclaim. "It's bad enough being related to someone who hits it like a tart, never mind someone who dresses up as one. It isn't my idea of upholding the family honour," said his distant cousin, the media megastar John Shires.

MILLIONAIRE BUYS GOLF HOTEL

October 11, 2007    One of the world's richest men has bought the Golf Hotel in Silloth - all because of a feud with the former proprietor. Mark Wilcox, whose vast fortune now encompasses a clothing empire and a rare car dealership, has purchased the property so that he can flout government anti-smoking legislation with impunity.
The row started during the recent Goldthorpe Salver when hotel boss Fausto Previtali presented Wilcox and roommate Mark Nicholson with a £55 bill for deep cleaning the soft furnishings, after housekeepers realised that the pair had been breaking recently introduced no-smoking laws.
When he received the letter - reproduced in full below - Wilcox had to be physically restrained from coming to blows with the diminutive Italian restauranteur.



 

The letter that began the row

Later he refused to accept assurances that it had all been a practical joke dreamt up by Portuguese tax exile Bunty Broadbent. "Bunty has never said or done anything remotely amusing before, so why should he start now," he raved (somewhat uncharitably - ed).
"I intend to turn the top floor of the hotel into my own penthouse suite so that on my infrequent visits to the town I can smoke as many fags and drink as much whisky as I like without being slapped with a ridiculous bill for cleaning the room," he said.
"I will also install new wardrobes which will be able to accommodate my ever growing collection of trousers and shoes," he added.

R & A BID FOR KAYE'S CLUBS

September 25, 2007 
   The R & A is keen to display Charlie Kaye's clubs in its museum at St Andrew's.
 "We've only just discovered there's someone out there still playing with pre-war bats, and we feel they'd make a splendid addition to our collection of veteran implements," said a spokesman for golf's governing body. "They may not be Royal, but they're certainly very Ancient, so they'd fit perfectly in our museum," he added.

Kaye's venerable equipment drew gasps of amazement from spectators and fellow competitors alike at the recent Goldthorpe Salver at Silloth-on-Solway Golf Club.
"I've never seen their like before - well, not since Tim Sugden retired his old Tom Morris spoon a couple of years ago," said Charles Webb, winner of this year's Salver.
Sadly the veteran implements couldn't help Kaye to a top ten finish. In fact the newly-retired industrialist could only claim 13th place - just one point ahead of new Goat Peter Butler.
Unfortunately Kaye's hopes of finding immediate replacements have been dashed. He'd been expecting to be given a new set as a retirement present from his former work colleagues in China, but it's understood they misunderstood his request for "a set of Ping bats", and have presented him with table tennis equipment instead.

BLOCKED DRAINS - RIDDLE SOLVED

September 25, 2007   Competitors in last week's Goldthorpe Salver tournament at Silloth-on-Solway Golf Club have unwittingly solved the mystery of the town's blocked sewers.
The centre of the bustling market town was brought to a standstill on Saturday morning by a foul stench emanating from manholes close to the renowned Golf Hotel on Criffel Street.
Residents living nearby were evacuated as clouds of noxious gases cloaked the town centre.
At first experts brought in to investigate were mystified, until a local man - who refused to be identified - recalled overhearing a bizarre conversation between Goldthorpe Salver golfers outside the hotel where they'd been staying.
He recalled: "I distinctly remember hearing one of them - a chap with big ears and a huge nose - saying that he'd just had a remarkable experience in trap one of the downstairs loos at the Golf Hotel.
"He said he was sitting comfortably when all of a sudden there was a commotion in the next door cubicle. He said it sounded like someone removing all their clothes, followed by a great deal of grunting and panting like some sort of wild animal.
"I remember he said the whole performance concluded with some appalling noises, the like of which he'd never heard before."
Quizzed further, the witness added: "The only other thing I recall is a name. I think the chap said something like…'yes, you've guessed it. It was Andrew Sugden.' At which point everyone listening burst into hideous laughter."
Armed with those vital clues, investigators from Cumbria County Council were soon able to locate the source of the blockage, and thankful residents could return to their homes - for at least the next 12 months.



WILCOX JOINS SUNDAY TIMES RICH LIST

September 25, 2007   Mark "Bonecrusher" Wilcox has been included in the Sunday Times Rich List for the first time, following drunken revelations of his vast fortune at the recent Goldthorpe Salver tournament at Silloth.
Wilcox, whose recent extravagant purchase of a unique and almost priceless "XYZ" Class Mercedes raised eyebrows, admitted that he was paying £6 million pounds a month for the vehicle. "But I can afford it, so why not?" he added with a smug grin.Wilcox
The osteopath, whose fortune comes not so much from the manipulation of his clients, but rather the subsequent manipulation of their bills, also revealed that he has 17,000 pairs of shoes in his wardrobe, as well as 12,000 pairs of trousers. "I'm lucky because I'm so wealthy I can afford anything I fancy," he explained.

 

CHARLES WEBB IS NEW CHAMPION!



September 22, 2007   Charles Webb won the 2007 Goldthorpe Salver at Silloth. Full details are  posted on the 2007 Report page of the website. The Statistics page is now fully updated, and all the photographs are now in the Photos section. If anyone has any photos of their own, can they forward them to John Shires on a disc, rather than by e-mail.

SUGDEN W.A. IN CLOTHES RIDDLE

August 14, 2007    Close examination of the Goldthorpe Salver's photographic records have prompted claims that Andrew Sugden might not have changed his clothes for a whole year between 1999 and 2000.
"It's extraordinary," says official archivist Professor John Shires MA (Oxon). "Look at the evidence in the photographic section of the goldthorpesalver.com website. One of the final photographs of the 1999 event shows him wearing a check sports jacket and brightly coloured bow tie, and there he is - bold as brass - on the first picture taken the following year, wearing exactly the same items. I can assure you that there's no mistake, so I can only assume he didn't change his attire in the intervening 12 months."
However, other possibilities have also been advanced:

  • Andrew possesses an extremely limited wardrobe.
  • He's an idiot.
  • It's a coincidence.
  • All three of the above.

Prof Shires has poured scorn on the coincidence theory. "It's simply not possible for a normal, sane human being to pick out - at random - the same extraordinary outfit on two separate occasions 12 months apart," he said.
Bizarrely, after eschewing it for the 2001 trip to the Isle of Man, Sugden W.A. paraded exactly the same ensemble again back at Silloth in 2002, prompting speculation that it might be some sort of uniform.
Said French fashion guru Jean Drake: "As everyone knows, I have long championed ze bow tie, but if Monsieur Sugden believes his apparel is ze height of fashion, he has clearly lost his meubles."


DYSON READY FOR XMAS IN DUBAI!

            Picture courtesy of Andrew Wormald

ARABS FORCE DYSON OUT OF SALVER

August 14, 2007    Mike Dyson has been forced to withdraw from this year's Goldthorpe Salver - because he's a Christian!
Dyson, who's now resident in Dubai, says he's bitterly disappointed to miss out on the chance of winning the trophy for a second time, but the Gulf state's refusal to recognise Christmas is to blame.
"Unfortunately I am running out of holidays," he said, "and as Christmas is not celebrated here as a public holiday, I need to keep some time back over the festive period for when the family come out."
The news has been greeted with dismay by Church leaders.
"I'm appalled that a person's religion should count against him," said a spokesman for the Scottish Presbyterian Church, the Reverend Frank Whiteley. "Christmas is a time when the whole of mankind should be getting pis..... er, should be celebrating. Surely for such a prestigious sporting event as the Goldthorpe Salver, an exception could be made."
Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson has admitted that recent anti-discrimination legislation here in the UK might force him to change the date of next year's tournament. "We are an equal opportunities organisation, and if the Muslims say it's Christmas, I start singing carols," he said somewhat confusingly.
However it's thought that Nicholson is privately delighted at Dyson's withdrawal, since it means that the entry for this year's Salver is now back down to 16, and he won't have to walk the course.


GOLF HOTEL SOLD!  

July 18, 2007    Silloth's famous Golf Hotel - venue for the Goldthorpe Salver presentation dinner - has been sold. (No really, it has!...Ed)
Details of the sale are sketchy, but one theory is that the buyer is a Private Equity Group headed by Huddersfield property billionaire Pyotr Butlamovich. The tycoon, who made his fortune selling low cost housing to immigrant communities in Birkby, Fartown and Longroyd Bridge, has been keen to extend his property portfolio, and Silloth could be the perfect fit.
"It's run-down, out of date and decrepit - just the sort of place Butlamovich specialises in," said a property industry analyst.
There is apparently no truth in the rumours that former proprietors Fausto & Christine Privatetelly have been engaged as the new husband and wife team in charge of the Sandy Lane Hotel in Barbados. In fact the new owners have asked them to stay on to manage the Golf in the short term, so it's thought they will still be in Silloth in September.

SILLOTH SUPREMO CHANGES NAME  

May 30, 2007    Speculation is rife after the revelation that Silloth Supremo Mark Nicholson has apparently changed his name. In a recent message, Nicholson informed Silloth regulars of his new e-mail address - ROGER NICHOLSON [marktownfan1@btinternet.com]. Not surprisingly, it's prompted many rumours as to why he would want to change his identity.

 Amongst suggestions received so far:

  • He's on the run after failing to pay his account with Shat Taxis
  • He wants to avoid more boring e-mail correspondence with Bunty
  • He wants nothing more to do with the useless bugger who always finishes well down the field in the Goldthorpe Salver

An alternative explanation - ie: that Roger is actually his name - has also been put forward, but has already been rejected on the grounds that it's too far-fetched.
 

WEBB IMPOSTER SHOCK

 

Claims that top solicitor Mike Webb may be the victim of an imposter scam, appear to have been confirmed.
Following a patient vigil at Huddersfield Golf Club, local snapper Gary Phlange was rewarded with an exclusive photograph of what appears to be a Proboscis monkey (sporting a pair of Comic Relief ears) taking afternoon tea by the little tree just in front of the 18th tee.

 BUNTY V SUPREMO: THOSE E-MAILS IN FULL 

At the risk of boring visitors to the goldthorpesalver.com website, the increasingly acrimonious and boring exchange of e-mails between Salver supremo Mark Nicholson and ailing defending champeen Chris "Leadswinger" Broadbent is reproduced not quite in full (as it's getting a bit boring.) 

 

 

From Bunty to Silloth Supremo

April 25, 2007

 

Hi Mark

  •       Book the Penthouse suite
  •       Quadruple Incisions
  •       Bunty being cut by 1.5 - without hitting a ball!
  •       Organizer accepts he'll "walk" the course
  •       Bunty's pre-event odds at 50-1
  •       RBS rumoured as possible backer of pre-event book       

Update from Champeeen..... went, very unfortunately, to see "top" shoulder guy in Algarve (a Portuguese peasant - who managed somehow to get qualified - reminds me of someone who used "come in" at BWD - this guy also managed to diagnose the problem incorrectly after various consultations) - so thought I needed a second opinion - especially after his 6 pills a day for 3 weeks!       

Therefore met THE top guy in UK last week and am now in surgery next week in London. Need 1.5cm taken off (no not off that!) a couple of bones in my left shoulder which, (I am promised, but regretfully no written guarantees' or warranties'!!), will mean 4 incisions - 2 weeks in sling... by 5 weeks 12 balls with 9 iron on practice range AND by mid September I should be playing [easily] to my handicap --- He reckons!!!! - trophy is mine again for another year!!        

Sorry this means (unless we have two 4 balls and a 3 x 3's), you will have to, as you have already put in writing, just walk the course...perhaps you could be the official photographer this year!       

Will keep you posted..       

Cheers           

Chris...the champeeeen

 

 

From the Silloth Supremo to Bunty

May 5, 2007

 

Hi Chris, 

This is, of course, excellent news.  I'm sure that I speak for all Goldthorpe Salver competitors when I say that I am delighted that you will be fit and available to defend your trophy.  However, having already ruled you out of the tournament, this will mean that there will need to be a ballot of all competitors to determine which one of the 17 cannot play, as, under R&A (Rough & Airshot) rules, it is clearly stated that the "field" is limited to a maximum of 16.  If I was you, I would steer clear of Webb M if he is the one who is ballotted out following your "miraculous" recovery. 

I think that you should take the honourable course of action and stick by your original decision not to play.  (In any case, I'm a crap photographer and have booked the Penthouse suite for myself). 

With regard to your handicap being increased from 8 to 15, it was obvious from last year's performance that you were at least 9 shots better than you declared, so, if you are successful in the ballot, you will be playing off plus 1.

I have sent your request for RBS to underwrite the Goldthorpe Salver book this year to the bank's chairman, Sir Fred Goodwin, who sent me the following response:  "What do you mean, you're taking time off work to play golf.  Consider yourself the subject of disciplinary action, boy".  I take it from this that funds won't be forthcoming.

I trust that you will now seriously reconsider your position, do the honourable thing, and withdraw.  I await your immediate confirmation. 

Yours etc, 

Mark

 

From His Buntyship to the Silloth Supremo

May 11, 2007

 

Sir,

After receiving, this evening, advice from my specialist on postoperative-surgery (Marco Wilcoxinho), I am formally giving you notice that I will be in a fit (and proper state) to defend my title in September 2007.

Mr. Wilcoxinho has informed me that the recent major operation to my left shoulder will undoubtedly create a possibility of me driving the ball a further 50 meters later this year.

So I hereby offer, for the final 18 in 2007 only, that the hole known the Hogs Back is treated, for the purposes of my scoring only, as a par three - perhaps I can par it again this year!

 To those of you, and in particular Andrew Sugden, who want their arms/shoulders "mended" as soon as possible, I attach herewith a few photographs of it after the event - just to put you off - note the arrow to make sure he got the "right" shoulder!   My surgeon, Mr Frank Richard Sinnerton-Whiteley is looking forward to experimenting on the rest of you in the very near future.

I am still waiting, with anticipation, the call/email from our bookie to give me my odds this year.

With the very best of wishes and huge regards.   The Champ! 

PS Latest rumours from the Pro Shop at Silloth - afternoon round "no problems" - morning round - could squeeze 5 T times in if you shorten Tee off intervals.......

 

 

From the Silloth Supremo to Bunty

 

May 19, 2007

 

How touching that you think that you can complete Hog's Back in three shots.  If, as you claim, you took only three shots there last year, you were obviously cheating, and therefore your status as Champeen for the current year is null and void.  (Except that this would mean that Durrans is now Champeen, which is unacceptable). 

It seems that, despite repeated requests, you will not do the honourable thing and withdraw from this year's tournament.  Very well.  I will make the appropriate arrangements, which will be to arrange a further tee-time.  You will, of course, have to play on your own, as nobody will want to play with somebody who has caused so much disruption and who is already bragging that this year's competition is "in the bag", so I shall arrange for a marker for you.  See how you like that! 

Must go. Off to see Mr Sinnerton-Whiteley.

Regards.

Mark (Goat in waiting)

 

  

POPE INVESTIGATES MIRACLE CURE 

April 25, 2007    The Pope has called for further details of Chris Broadbent's miraculous recovery from the apparently serious shoulder injury that had threatened the reigning champion's defence of his Goldthorpe Salver title.
"On the face of it, this seems a miracle," said Papal spokesman Cardinal Giovanni Di Liddimentio. "We need to establish the exact circumstances to determine whether or not there has been divine intervention in this case."
If the Roman Catholic Church decides that what's now been dubbed "The Recovery of Bunty's Shoulder" is indeed a miracle, not only would the shoulder itself be considered a Holy relic, but Silloth on Solway might become a place of pilgrimage to rival Lourdes in Southern France.
"We would simply need proof of two further miracles taking place there before we could consider officially sanctioning pilgrimages," said Cardinal Di Liddimentio.
Various extraordinary occurrences in the sleepy seaside town could fit the bill.

  • Andrew Sugden winning the Goldthorpe Salver in 1997.
  • Mark Wilcox's triumph in 1995.
  • John Shires' recovery from deep rough to the 7th green in 1997.
  • The ability of the gobby waitress at the Golf Hotel to recite verbatim all 683 verses of the dessert menu.

Plans to turn Silloth into a Holy Shrine haven't met with universal approval. "I'll have no Papists here!" exclaimed Frank Whiteley, leader of the Scottish Borders' Branch of the DUB (Democratic Union of Bigots).

 

BUNTY TO GO UNDER KNIFE

April 24, 2007    Chris Broadbent is to undergo surgery on his injured shoulder in a bid to be fit for Silloth. The reigning champion flew to London last week from his luxury villa in Portugal to see the top world's top shoulder specialist, who confirmed that it will be possible to rebuild him.
"He's told me he will have to make four incisions, and take off 1.5 cm of useless bone from my left shoulder," said Bunty, who will then have to spend two weeks with his arm in a sling before - hopefully - returning to the practice ground in around five weeks.
"By mid-September he reckons I should easily be playing to my handicap again, so the Salver is mine for another year," he arrogantly boasted.
So confident is Broadbent of re-capturing the title he won last year that he's to contact bookmaker Tim Sugden to place an early bet on himself.
There's been mixed reaction to Bunty's imminent recovery. Andrew Sugden has immediately booked an appointment with the same Harley Street specialist. "I've asked him to take my entire arm off, as the whole thing is completely useless, and he's assured me I should be playing off single figures by July," he said.
But top sports injury specialist John Shires cast doubt on Bunty's recovery. "I've never had an injury of this sort, so obviously it simply doesn't exist. His so-called specialist is clearly a charlatan making money from extremely gullible and very rich people," he said.

 

BUNTY BACK FOR SILLOTH DEFENCE?

April 23, 2007     Latest reports from Portugal suggest that reigning Silloth champion Chris Broadbent may be able to defend his title in 2007 after all. At this stage the facts are unclear, but there's speculation Bunty has been courting the sympathy vote by feigning a serious shoulder injury. Early in March he declared himself unfit for the tournament claiming he was suffering from Clavicula Monoskibilis. Now it's thought that following a second opinion from top Portuguese shoulder specialist Marco Wilcoxinho, he's been given the all-clear to participate.

Further news will be posted on the website as details emerge, but in the meantime Silloth supremo Mark Nicholson reacted angrily to the news. "This shilly-shallying about has got to stop," he fumed. "There's a clear case for disciplinary action." Nicholson's reaction could well stem from the fact that he has only booked 16 starting times for September's event, and may now have to sit the competition out.
Bunty's U-turn has also caused confusion for leading bookmaker Tim Sugden. "I wish he'd make his sodding mind up," he said as he contemplated another long night re-assessing the ante-post odds.

 

 More on Charles Webb's Scottish escapades...

April 23, 2007    Seen in the Edinburgh Bugle earlier this month by an anonymous correspondent. 

 No further comment required.

 WEBB SAYS SORRY

April 12, 2007   Charles Webb has issued a spineless apology to Tim Sugden for his personal attack on him on the Goldthorpe Salver website in February. The exact words of Little Charlsie's abject and crawling e-mail are reproduced in full:

"I would like to apologise unreservedly to Tim Sugden for the scurrilous remarks about his golf equipment. I know the regard to which TCS is held on the Salver particularly with his efforts in running the 'book' and now appreciate the pain and suffering he and his family must have felt given these thoughtless and untrue comments. I now know my observations had no basis in fact especially after he has recently had his ball retriever re-gripped."

 Meanwhile investigations are being carried out into a mysterious e-mail concerning Webb C, received from another Goldthorpe Salver competitor, Chris Durrans, and again reproduced in full:

"Rumour has it that the Goldthorpe Salver top golfer, Charles Webb has taken up the trampoline. On a recent rugby trip to Edinburgh he was spotted practising early one morning! Not sure it can help an already perfect golfer but the reasons for such actions are hard to explain. I can also report he took part last year in a swimming Gala and came last."
If anyone can shed light on the events surrounding Little Charlsie's trampolining exploits, they should contact the website immediately, so that further fun may be had at his expense.

ORIGINAL PHOTO FOUND

April 11, 2007   The original photograph of Tim & Andrew Sugden (see Caption Competition below) has been discovered by former St Davidian and Huddersfield Amateur Andrew Wormald.
"
I was shocked to find such a blatantly doctored photograph of  former Amateurs midfield general Sugden T (plus sibling) on the internet," said Worm.
"
I have therefore unearthed a copy of the original photograph, which captured the rather touching family reunion back in 1972."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


DUCK DINNER THROWS BETTING INTO CONFUSION

March 22, 2007    The news that perennial  Silloth frontrunner John Drake will only be playing 36 holes at this year's event has thrown the ante-post betting market into confusion.

Drake has had to withdraw from playing - and staying - on Thursday. "Sadly the 20th September coincides with the Lightcliffe Centenary Dinner which I will have to attend," he told Salver supremo Mark Nicholson.

Nicholson immediately e-mailed Tim "The Book" Sugden to place £10 on Duck to win this year, but other punters may take a different stance.

While Nicholson believes Duck will be a more likely winner because he won't be overgolfed, Sugden thinks there are other factors to be taken into consideration.

"What condition will he be in after a Centenary Dinner, and a 200 mile drive early on Friday morning?" he asked. "Not to mention missing a hearty breakfast at the Golf Hotel. Besides we should take into account that my own chances of winning have drastically improved with the purchase of a 1953 3 wood to replace my previous implement - a pre-war model."

Elsewhere there's been a mixed reaction. "At least we'll get up from the dinner table on Thursday night before midnight," said Webb.

 

 

                             

CAPTION COMPETITION - March 2007

The first in an occasional series. Suggest a caption by writing to the Forum or by E-Mail to the site via the Contacts Page.

     

 

Suggestions so far:

"Stop messing Tim, we're nearly at the next pie shop."

"I too have the legs of a scratch golfer"
...both from Steve Sutcliffe.

Revealed - Sugden TC joins Masons

"I say Andrew, I'm going to wear my plus 3's at Silloth this year" (from Andy Matheson - ex St David's)

GOAT ULTIMATUM FOR CHAMP

 

March 1, 2007   Salver supremo Mark "No Nonsense" Nicholson has issued an ultimatum to reigning Champion Chris Broadbent: "Defend your title, or you're the Goat!"

Bunty has pulled out of the 2007 event this September suffering from a severe shoulder injury. He claims he's been told that he might not be able to play golf for 18 months as a result of the ligament damage suffered while water-skiing on a Greek island holiday last year.

But in a forthright exchange of e-mails, Nicholson has told Bunty: "I've heard of some excuses in my time, but I think this takes the biscuit! Your are NOT allowed to retire as Champeen without having the opportunity to go from Champeen to Goat, a la Wilcox.  You will, therefore, be deemed to be Goat unless you turn up to play."
What's more, he's told the Portugal-based tax exile that if he's only turning up for the Friday night dinner, he won't be able to stay in his usual penthouse at the Golf Hotel, but will have to double up with Frank Whiteley.

        

 

RECORD-EQUALLING ENTRY FOR 2007?

 

March 1, 2007   The 2007 Goldthorpe Salver could be heading for a record-equalling entry. In fact Salver supremo Mark Nicholson has admitted that Chris Broadbent's withdrawal has averted yet another major balls-up.
"This has got me out of a hole," he said. "There were 17 due to play, and I'd only booked 16 slots, so I was going to have to walk the course."                                                                                                   

Photographic evidence proves that last year's entry of 16 set a new record for the event since its move to Silloth.

     

 

INJURY RULES BUNTY OUT OF TITLE DEFENCE

 

Feb 28, 2007    Reigning Goldthorpe Champeen Chris Broadbent has been ruled out of the 2007 event because of a serious shoulder injury.

Bunty has torn the ligaments in his left shoulder, and has been advised that it could take up to 18 months to heal completely.

"I am seeing a specialist surgeon soon who may be able to speed up the process - but I won't know for another month at least," he told the website.

"It's therefore highly unlikely that I'll be playing golf this September, and regretfully won't be able to defend the Salver and beat my best ever score at Silloth," he added.

Confirming the news, Goldthorpe supreme Mark Nicholson said: "At first I thought it was part of Mark Wilcox's master plan to nobble the opposition by mis-diagnosing their injuries. I only realised that it was true when it was confirmed that Bunty was seeing a reputable practitioner."

Bunty said the injury first occurred before last year's event, while he was water-skiing in Crete. "Some f*****g stupid Greek gave me a medium mono ski rather than an adult size, and I just hung on for dear life (for three attempts) trying to get up. Then I aggravated the situation in December when I build a loft in the garden shed."  

There's been mixed reaction to the news from fellow Silloth competitors.
"Oh dear, that's a shame," said nice Peter Butler.
"What's the silly sod doing water skiing at his age?" asked Sampson.
"Hang on, I'm the one who gets injured round here," said Shires.
"You can have 7-1 on Little Charlsie, eights on Webby, nines on Duck, and it's 10-1 bar," said Sugden TC.
"zzzzzzzzzzzzz……" said Sugden WA and Sutcliffe.
"What's he doing building a loft?" asked Durrans. "He should have got a man in."
"I know a good lawyer in Athens," said Webb.
"That's another one out of the way," said Wilcox.
 

Despite his injury Bunty may still travel to Silloth. "It's too early for me to say whether I may come over just for the Friday bash and the snooker," he said. Just in case he's asked Mark Nick to book his usual penthouse at the Golf Hotel.

 

A Doctor writes:    Clavicula Monoskibilis - or Silly Bugger's Shoulder, as we doctors prefer to call it - is a condition frequently associated with middle aged men taking fancy foreign holidays, and indulging in strenuous activity in an attempt to impress younger women. As far as treatment is concerned, in my experience I find a little gentle exhortation along the lines of  "Pull yourself together, and don't be a namby pamby", combined with four brisk rounds at Silloth on Solway Golf Club, usually does the trick.

 

An Osteopath writes:   I couldn't disagree more strongly. Clavicula Monoskibilis is an extremely serious complaint, the only treatment for which is an extensive course of manipulation at my exclusive consulting rooms in Kirkheaton (£239.76 + VAT per session). In addition I would strongly recommend the patient refrains from playing golf for at least 26 years.

 

SUGDEN DOWN UNDER: THE FACTS

Feb 25 2007   Tim Sugden has denied rumours that he's emigrated to Australia to escape widespread ridicule following Charles Webb's comments on this website about both his golfing equipment and ability.
Sugden flew Down Under at the end of the week, prompting speculation that he'd left for good. "It's true I was deeply hurt and offended by Little Charlsie's remarks," he told Goldthorpesalver.com from his luxury penthouse overlooking Sydney harbour.
"But the truth is I was needed here in my capacity as Captain of Industry. They've been having a bit of a rough time down here recently, so I answered the call to take over as temporary skipper."

Sugden isn't the only Salver competitor to take to foreign climes. Currently Mike Dyson is holed out in Dubai, escaping the rigours of the UK banking code; Chris Broadbent is relocated in Portugal escaping the taxman; Mark Wilcox is in South Africa, escaping several angry clients who want their mobility back; and Mike Webb is in Lanzarote escaping justice.

Meanwhile Dyson has made an offer to relocate the Goldthorpe Salver to the Gulf. He claims in a letter published on the Forum  page of the website, that accomodation would be available at the famous Burge Al Agolf Hotel (prop: Mr Abdul Bin Preevat Ali.)

 

STATISTICS PAGE NOW UPDATED

Feb 23, 2007    The statistics page is now updated, and provides evidence to counter the widely held belief that "there are lies, damned lies and statistics". For example they prove what everyone has known for years - Wilcox is a crap golfer, though not quite as crap as Sugden WA.

 

 

IT'S OFFICIAL: IT'S SEPTEMBER 20/21

Feb 17, 2007    After a week of public consultation, Goldthorpe supremo Mark Nicholson has confirmed that the dates of this year's Goldthorpe Salver will now be Thursday & Friday, September 20 & 21. The news has provoked huge sighs of relief across West Yorkshire.

  • The Goldthorpe has been saved from financial ruin, since TC Sugden will be able to return from his duties as captain of industry to take charge of the book on the Thursday night. He will jet in from the continent, landing at Silloth International Airport some time around Thursday lunchtime.
  • Shires' marriage has been saved, since the change in dates has enabled him to shelve emergency plans to return home early from holiday on his own.
  • Mark Nick's life has been saved. He would have been murdered had the dates not been changed.  

  If anyone has any more photographs and they are already digital images, send them to john.shires@itv.com  If you only have the original negatives, or the prints, send them to John by post as they can still be scanned onto disc. The address is: The Kitchen Garden, 15 Toothill Lane, Brighouse, West Yorkshire HD6 3SE

 


SUGDEN REPLIES: GO TO FORUM PAGE

 

Feb 17, 2007  Tim "The Book" Sugden has replied to Charles Webb's attack on his golfing credentials. His response can be seen on the FORUM  page.

 

 

EXCLUSIVE: GOLF HOTEL WALLPAPER SHOCK

 

Feb 16, 2007   Detailed forensic examination has revealed that the wallpaper in the Golf Hotel HAS been changed since the Goldthorpe Salver moved there in 1991. Senior members had always believed that the wallpaper had always been exactly the same, but we have irrefutable proof that the redecoration took place some time in late 1994 or early 1995.

 

               1994                                1995

 

"I can understand how the confusion has arisen," said proprietor Fausto Privatetelly. "Late in 1994 we engaged the services of Mr B.Pugh, a seemingly reputable interior decorator with impeccable credentials. Imagine our surprise when we returned from our winter break to re-open the hotel. Since the difference between the two wallpapers is so miniscule, we thought he simply hadn't turned up, so we didn't pay him. Thank you for clearing it all up for us; we'll send him a cheque straight away."

 

Mr Privatetelly revealed that the hotel is to be redecorated again in 2024. "We change the wallpaper every 30 years, whether it needs it or not," he said. And next time, he won't be re-engaging the services of Mr B.Pugh. "No," said Mr Privatetelly, "I shall go right to the top, to that interior style guru Mr T.C.Sugden."
  

MESSAGE FROM CHARLES WEBB 

Feb 15 2007   Received from Little Charlsie, and reproduced in full:

"I feel the members of the Goldthorpe ought to be told that Sugden TC is presently receiving tuition from Alex at Huddersfield G C. Whilst initially this doesn't seem to have paid any dividends, this effort may in some way be hindered by the equipment he plays with which owes little to the 'revolution in golf technology' that many of us are enjoying. Whilst Sugden's bag includes the requisite 14 number of clubs he has 2 nine irons and 3 drivers as well as a motley selection of other ancient implements which would be better employed in his garden. In total Tim's bag has selections from 6 different manufacturers including clubs bearing the endorsement of such modern day players such as Vardon, Cotton and James Braid. His 'ammunition' is similarly archaic preferring the 'Warwick, Spitfire and Commando' over the ProVs of today.

Despite his problem with dates I am sure that his dedication to the practice ground will ultimately pay dividends and he will soon be vying for the 'Championcy' rather than goatdom."

   


WEBSITE: RIGHT OF REPLY

 

Feb 15, 2007  The website has been indundated with complaints (well, there's been one) that all the photographs posted so far look the same. We would like to point out that this is because:

 

1.       All the photographs feature the same people.

2.       They're all taken by the same person.

3.       They're all taken in the same place.

4.       They are all the same.

 

Nevertheless the photograph section of the website does offer incontrovertible evidence of several universal truths:

 

1.       Andrew Sugden has a crap swing.

2.       Charles Webb goes red when he's pissed.

3.       Mike Webb has a crap swing.

4.       Andrew Sugden and Steve Sutcliffe sleep a lot.

5.       Everyone's fatter than they used to be (apart from Duck).

 

 

MESSAGE FROM THE ORGANISING COMMITTEE

Feb 14, 2007   The following message has been received from the Organising Committee (ie: Mark Nick), and in the interests of accuracy, is reproduced in its entirety.

"The Organising Committe of the 2007 Goldthorpe Salver strenuously deny the scurrilous rumours abounding that there has been a complete cock-up by the Secretary regarding the dates of this year's Championship.

Similarly, there is no truth in the outrageous suggestion that choosing the date of 14th September was a Mike Webb/Mark Wilcox plot, for the former to be able to regain his place at the top of the Order of Merit in the absence of his brother Charles, who currently occupies that position, and for the latter to orchestrate, in the absence of Tim Sugden, total bankruptcy of the Society by running the book for this year's Championship at a devastating loss, and then organising a phoenix Tour to Iceland in 2008.

The facts of the matter are that the minutes of the discussion held after the 2006 Championship as to this year's dates were unclear.  The Committee certainly recall that the two available dates were 14th and 21st September; the former was chosen mainly because there would be more light at the end of the day to accommodate the slow play of John Drake, who will inevitably be in the last match out, as well as the fact that a clairvoyant has confidently predicted that Huddersfield Town will be away at Carlisle United on 15th September, so the Secretary could kill two birds with one stone.

In true Society fashion, however, the Committee have instigated a vote amongst Tour members for their preferred date for this year's Championship.  The deadline for votes to be cast is 5 p.m. on Friday, 16th February.  A further communication will be forthcoming with the result of the vote."

  

MARK NICK IN HUGE SILLOTH DATES BALLS-UP!

Feb 13 2007   Goldthorpe Salver supremo Mark Nicholson has admitted he's made a major cock-up over the dates for Silloth 2007. Despite agreeing to book the same dates as last year, he somehow managed to book the previous week, resulting in several top players declaring their unavailability due to work commitments.

If everyone's OK with the change, the date of the 2007 Goldthorpe Salver will be Friday, September 21. Mark has contacted the club and the hotel, and can re-book for the Thursday and Friday, September 20/21. He's asking for early confirmation from all concerned.

Already Little Charlsie, one of those who'd withdrawn, has confirmed he WILL be able to make the new dates, although there's still a question mark over Tim "The Book" Sugden, whose captaincy of industry might still prevent his participation. (See news story below: Goldthorpe Faces Financial Ruin)

No money is needed now, as Mark has paid the deposit, but a prompt response will help if accommodation changes are required.

Call him on 07738 406743 if you have any questions.

 

GOLDTHORPE FACES FINANCIAL RUIN

Feb 12, 2007  There are fears of financial meltdown after unconfirmed reports that Tim "The Book" Sugden will be unable to tour in September - even after the change of dates. It's rumoured that Sugden (Motto: Don't be Dim; Bet with Tim) is unavailable because he's elsewhere captaining industry. Regular tourists won't need reminding of the last time Sugden failed to make it to Silloth. Chris Broadbent took over the book, with disastrous consequences. "It was the only time the book has failed to break even, and the Society had to bail Bunty out with an injection of funds from its own account," said a source. Two other regulars with an accountancy background - Chris Sampson and Steve Sutcliffe - have already been discounted as replacements for obvious reasons. "Both would be crap at it," said the source.

Sugden won't be missed as much on the course, as he would have been one of the favourites for the Goat prize. Said our source: "He might be a very fine mathematician, but he's an absolute earwig of a golfer."

 

BUNTY IN INJURY SCARE

Feb 8, 2007  Reigning Champion Chris Broadbent has been forced to take a five week lay-off because of an injured shoulder. Reports from the holiday island of Mauritius, where Bunty is currently enjoying a sunshine break, indicate that he's confident of regaining full fitness in time to defend his title in September. The only factor that could hinder his rehab is a proposed visit to Portugal by Wilcox in June. If Bunty's not fit by then and is forced to undergo treatment from the Kirkheaton Strangler, he admits his chances of making it to Silloth will be dramatically reduced. 

 

WEBB IN "IMPOSTER" CLAIM

Feb 8, 2007  Top solicitor Mike Webb believes he's the victim of an imposter scam. He made the dramatic claim after seeing the photograph (right) on the page of the goldthorpesalver.com website. "Why are there photos of an obviously shit golfer wearing my clothes?" he asked. A spokesman for the site insisted the photo is genuine and added: "The camera never lies."

 

 

 

 

CHARLIE KAYE CONFIRMS ENTRY

Feb 6, 2007  Prospects of a record entry for 2007 have been boosted by Charlie Kaye's early confirmation of his participation. And as further evidence of his enthusiasm, he's booked in for three nights! Other early confirmations received from Mike Webb, Chris Broadbent (both 3 nights) and Andrew Sugden (2 nights).

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